shoes seem to like me. or just my passenger’s seat.

So there must not be many people in this world with odiferous feet. Or at least not anyone that i hang out with. My passenger’s seat has collected 2 pairs of shoes for me over the past month – and i have no idea who’s they are. You would think that a person might notice a thing like that and say “Hey, my friend is walking into starbucks with me not wearing any shoes. I bet they left em in the car.” But nope. I obliviously look past the shoeless flower smelling feet that escort me wherever I may venture.

I say that the feet must smell good because otherwise that would be a key indicator that someone’s feet have parted with their homes. Although, i smelled one out of the two pair and they were not very inviting. How did i not realize it at the time? If i were to wear shoes all day and then take them off later on that evening in the car while i was out with a friend, i imagine that my friend might spawn a statement along the lines of, “Put your shoes back on. Your feet smell like my dog’s breath. I might puke all over your car.”

To change the subject up just a little bit-
I have never been a part of a relationship in which existed a level of openness as to fart in front of the other person. And its sad because my longest relationship was one and a half years long. So, as some of you are well aware, i have been interested lately in determining the answer to this riddle; at what phase of the relationship, milestones or likewise, does the farting in front of the other person fall?

My prom date for my senior year was very lucky that I had such keen control over my bowels. I will always remember (and will probably tell my grandkids about) the immense stomach ache that occurred that night due to “nervous gas”. And my prom date for sophomore prom was lucky too for that matter. Actually that’s a lie, I didnt hold it all in for my sophomore prom. It was unbearable and we were in a massive crowd of people. Sue me. We went to an indian restaurant for sophomore prom so I kinda asked for that one.

caesar… the man or the dressing?

I have developed a new hypothesis about the origins and naming of caesar dressing… come along with me…

So Julius Caesar I think (and hope) that we can all say is a not so great man. Maybe he wasn’t spanked as a child. Maybe his wife had gross breath that he had to wake up to every morning. Or maybe his mom gave him too much yellow 5.

And as for the dressing – we all know that it is delicious. If you think otherwise then you were made by Satan. For comparative purposes we shall detail the ingredients (and in case you are in the mood to make me a marvelous salad and bring it by with a box of croutons):
1. Mayonnaise – is gross. It is white, unhealthy, and adds no benefit to whatever it is added to. Save your pitiful comments – you will not defend this disgusting condiment to me.
2. Garlic – is deadly. While delicious amidst a wild feast of pasta can give your breath a bitter twinge that might deter friends, family, and loved ones.
3. Anchovies – small, come in a can, and pack a punch.
4. Mustard Powder – did you even know there was such a thing? You don’t see consumers flocking to the stores just to get another box of mustard powder. Nobody wants it. Nobody cares.
5. Lemon Juice – (pucker your face right now like you just took a giant spoonful of lemon juice) it makes your face look like that. Just thinking about lemon juice makes your face begin to disfigure. (I can’t believe you actually puckered your face while reading a blog)

So what is this hypothesis and how does it relate to Julius? Funny you should ask… I think that someone once had a bet going with some of his fellow historian nerds. They decided to make a concoction with ingredients analogous with the many traits of Julius and whomever lost the bet would have to eat the assemblage. And while the topic of the bet may have been sacrificed to history, the result will forever stay within our hearts. And Italian menus. The aforementioned ingredients analogize with Julius’ traits as follows (it may be helpful to re-refer to each trait above before noting the trait below):

1. Mayonnaise – he was white (probably because he wore that giant coat and didn’t get much beach time), almost assuredly unhealthy (probably chronic constipation due to his unbalanced diet of mostly red meat) and did not add any benefit whatsoever to the Roman Empire.
2. Garlic – I imagine that his only friends and loved ones were those who pretended to love him so that he wouldn’t mutilate their family and burn their land. I assume that his ego probably held himself to such graces so as to consider himself above the necessity for proper oral hygiene. Which would hence lead to strongly odiferous breath. And few friends. And fewer loved ones.
3. Anchovies – small man’s complex? Felt the need to compensate for his small size (interpret that term as you will) by being aggressive and obnoxiously overpowering.
4. Mustard Powder – nobody came flocking to see him. He was just another a-hole that ruined peoples lives by merely existing. Nobody wanted him. Nobody cared. To those that he did come in contact with, all he did was ruin their day. Just like real mustard powder.
5. Lemon Juice – could it be that the famous busts lie? That he paid off the artists to make him appear to be more attractive that he really was? I sense a conspiracy… maybe he was so unnervingly unattractive, that all you could do to look at him was to pucker your face as if you were a newbie trying warhead candies for the first time.

Could it be that I have discovered a conspiracy? I am by no means a conspiracy theorist, but I must say… I think I may be on to something here…

and now for something completely random

seriously dude… turn down the volume

So because analogies are so awesome lets make an analogy.

Have you ever been walking on campus when you seen one of your friends walking in front of you? You voice their name and they don’t turn around… and you realize that they have their iPod in. So you say their name a little bit louder and a bit louder and a bit louder until the point that you are basically shouting… and you look like an idiot because they don’t hear you and they keep on walking along. Yea I would know.

Lets pretend that your life is like listening to an iPod. Each song on your playlist is a season of your life. You have happy songs, depressing songs, lonely songs, motivational songs…

When you are going through a particular season you are so wrapped up in what is going on around you and in the emotional growth that we turn the volume all the way up. We get involved with the music and our emotions are influenced by the lyrics of the song.

You get to the point in the middle of your season – in the height of your ups or the lows of your downs the music is turned all the way up.

Enter – God. Who is the crazy friend shouting your name to get your attention. First he begins saying your name. But we get so distracted in our song that we cant hear him. So he shouts a bit louder. But we turn up the volume. And the song crescendoes then begins to fade.

As the song fades the volume gets lower and we finally hear our friend who was yelling our name all along so we pause and talk with him a while. We talk about life and about the song we were listening to. Then continue along our merry way. Into the next season. The next song.

Blogging is… well, dumb.

So I have given thought to the prospect of super powers lately. I have come to appreciate that the top of any list should include flying because flying is, well, awesome. It is possible to beg the argument that the ultimate super power would be this – you are able to do anything you could ever want just by thinking about it.

But I say nay. Nay to the splendors of flying. Nay to the splendors of walking through walls. Nay to the splendors of being good at any musical insturment that you pick up. These common powers have a downfall. When have you ever experienced a superhero movie in which the main character endured anything you would ever want to consider?

My personal problem with super powers is that they would dull worldly experiences. For instance, if you were able to fly around, feel the air blow through your hair as you float megearly through the air, what would a drive in the countryside then become? Much less a walk around the block?

The honest solution to the problem at hand is a simple one. The ultimate super power should henceforth become – a kitchen timer dings every time you wink one eye. I have realized that this is the ultimate power! You could use your power to woo girls, mess with friends, and prevent your mom from buring the cookies. You see – there is nothing about this power that can dull any sort of experience. It just adds to the humor of most situations.

Just a thought.